I have finally figured out Donald Trump.
Mark Twain has come back from the dead.
Not literally, of course. I am a lawyer, and even I am not prepared to offer evidence of reincarnation. But give me a jury and a few minutes, and I think I can make the case that if Twain wanted to return to Earth and write one last great satire about American arrogance, extravagance and foolishness, he could hardly have invented anything better than Donald Trump.
The latest evidence is steam.
Yes, steam.
On August 13, President Trump signed a memorandum directing the Pentagon and Navy to come up with a plan for replacing the electromagnetic aircraft-launch system planned for the future USS Doris Miller with steam catapults. The same memorandum calls for replacing its advanced weapons elevators with hydraulic systems. The White House didn’t hide the idea in bureaucratic language. Section 2 is actually titled “Restoring Steam and Hydraulic Systems to Carriers.” (The White House)
Try explaining that to Mark Twain.
The United States spent years and billions of dollars developing a new generation of nuclear aircraft carriers. One of their signature technologies is EMALS — the Electromagnetic Aircraft Launch System — which uses electromagnetic force instead of steam to throw airplanes off the deck.
The system had real problems during development. Trump did not invent those problems. Government Accountability Office reports documented delays, technical problems, and cost overruns in the Ford-class carrier program. A fair argument can be made that the Navy has a terrible habit of buying complicated technology before it is ready. (Government Accountability Office)
But something happened while Trump kept complaining about electromagnetic catapults.
They started working.
As of March, the USS Gerald R. Ford had completed 36,863 EMALS launches, according to Pentagon documents cited by Reuters. The Navy says the system is designed to launch everything from lightweight unmanned aircraft to heavy strike fighters. It requires fewer sailors than the old steam system and was designed to reduce maintenance and stress on aircraft. (Reuters)
And now comes the part Twain would have loved.
China has developed electromagnetic catapults for its newest aircraft carrier. France has selected the technology for its future carrier.
The United States?
We are considering going back to steam. (AP News)
You could almost hear a riverboat whistle on the Mississippi.
It gets better.
The USS Doris Miller is not an idea somebody sketched on a napkin last Tuesday. It is already part of the Ford-class construction program. General Atomics, which manufactures EMALS, says production of the launch and arresting equipment for the ship is already nearly 50 percent complete. The company warns that changing systems now creates substantial cost, scheduling, and integration risks. Reuters reports that merely making the change could cost taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars; the Associated Press says the ultimate expense could reach into the billions. (Reuters)
There is an irony here so perfect that a novelist would probably reject it as too obvious.
In the very same memorandum in which Trump demands a plan to redesign the Doris Miller, his administration complains that Navy shipbuilding has been damaged by repeated design changes that cause “cost growth, delays, and cancellations.” (The White House)
So the solution to costly design changes is apparently another costly design change.
Your witness, Mr. Twain.
Trump has been complaining about electromagnetic catapults since his first presidency. In 2017, after discussing the system with a Navy officer, he famously declared that the Navy should return to steam. He has repeated the complaint for years, arguing that electromagnetic systems are too complicated and that steam is proven and reliable. (AP News)
There is a legitimate argument buried inside that complaint. Older technology sometimes is better. Simplicity matters in combat. Reliability matters more than showing off the newest gadget. No sailor wants a beautifully engineered catapult that refuses to launch an airplane while somebody is shooting at the ship.
If the evidence showed that steam now launches aircraft better, more reliably and more economically than EMALS, then use steam.
But that is precisely the question engineers, sailors, naval aviators and military planners are supposed to answer.
Instead, the president of the United States appears to have reached the engineering conclusion himself.
That is where this stops being merely funny.
Aircraft carriers are among the most complicated machines human beings have ever constructed. Decisions about their propulsion, electrical systems, aircraft launch systems, weapons elevators, manpower requirements, and future aircraft are interconnected. Changing one major system after a ship has already been designed is not the equivalent of changing the transmission in a pickup truck.
And we are talking about the USS Doris Miller.
Doris Miller was a Black sailor from Texas who became a hero at Pearl Harbor. He had never been trained as an anti-aircraft gunner, but during the attack he took control of a machine gun and fired at Japanese aircraft. He later received the Navy Cross.
Now the enormously expensive aircraft carrier bearing his name may become the test case for Donald Trump’s personal campaign to bring steam catapults back to the American Navy.
Mark Twain could have written that.
Actually, I am beginning to doubt it.
Twain understood America well enough to recognize something that we occasionally forget: a powerful nation can become ridiculous without becoming powerless. Wealth does not immunize a country against foolishness. Neither do battleships, skyscrapers, billionaires, or nuclear weapons.
Sometimes they simply make the foolishness more expensive.
And there is another audience watching.
Our allies are watching.
China is watching.
Every nation trying to determine whether the United States remains the world’s technological leader is watching.
Imagine the sales pitch:
China: electromagnetic catapults.
France: electromagnetic catapults.
America: Have you fellows considered steam?
Perhaps Trump will ultimately be proven right. The Navy will now have to calculate what his proposal would require, and Congress still controls the money necessary to carry it out. The memorandum orders a plan within 60 days; it does not magically rebuild an aircraft carrier overnight. (The White House)
But that almost makes the episode more remarkable.
The United States government is about to spend serious time and money studying how to take one of the most technologically advanced warships ever designed and put yesterday’s launching system back into it because the president has spent nearly a decade insisting that he likes steam better.
Somewhere, Mark Twain is probably furious.
He spent a lifetime trying to invent stories absurd enough to expose American foolishness.
Donald Trump doesn’t even have to invent them.
He just signs the memorandum.
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