Texas Announces Roads Are Not Melting, Just Becoming More Flexible
AUSTIN — The Texas Department of Transportation denied reports that Texas highways are melting, insisting the pavement is merely entering what officials called “a freedom-based adaptive surface condition.”
“This is not melting,” said a TxDOT spokesperson, standing beside a pickup truck whose tires were slowly becoming state property. “This is innovation. Other states have rigid roads. Texas believes roads should have the liberty to change form.”
Drivers along the affected highway reported that the asphalt had softened into a black, bubbling substance normally found only in roofing tar, barbecue pits, and campaign promises.
“I stopped at a red light,” said local truck driver Earl “Two-Mile” Garza, “and when it turned green, the truck stayed Republican. It refused to move.”
Garza said he escaped by leaving his boots, his floor mats, and most of U.S. 69 behind him.
State officials urged motorists not to panic, explaining that the new road surface offers several benefits, including automatic speed control, pothole elimination, and free undercoating.
“Potholes are a thing of the past,” the spokesperson said. “Once the road becomes liquid, every hole fills itself. That is efficiency.”
When asked whether the state should consider using materials designed for extreme heat, officials said they were already studying the issue.
“We have formed a task force,” said one transportation consultant. “Its first job is to determine whether summer happens every year.”
At a press conference, a legislator praised the new surface as “pro-business.”
“Think about the economic impact,” he said. “Tow trucks, tire shops, car washes, shoe stores, chiropractors — everybody wins. That is the Texas miracle.”
One driver disagreed.
“My tires picked up so much asphalt I got home with four new driveways,” said Maria Hernandez of Greenville. “I didn’t ask for that. I rent.”
A second motorist said the road fused to his car so completely that TxDOT offered to classify the vehicle as a permanent lane marker.
“They told me I could visit it on weekends,” he said.
Officials also warned pedestrians not to walk on highway shoulders during peak heat.
“Flip-flops are no longer recommended,” the department said in a written advisory. “Once attached to the roadway, sandals will be considered part of the transportation system.”
Asked if climate change had anything to do with the problem, officials said it was too early to say.
“We prefer to blame the sun,” one said. “The sun has no lobbyist.”
By late afternoon, TxDOT announced a new slogan:
Texas Roads: Drive Friendly, But Keep Moving.
The department also reassured citizens that the softened pavement would serve a secondary purpose in winter.
“When the next freeze comes,” the spokesperson said, “these melted ruts will harden into natural bobsled tracks. Once again, Texas is ahead of the curve.”
At press time, the road had begun slowly crawling toward Oklahoma.
