Trump’s New Mass Deportation Plan
Trump noticed that Mexican deportation numbers were way down, even though Biden deported more than he did. He is worried the economy is down; He started a war that did not go as planned; he is even down with immigration, so he and his cabinet got together and came up with a solution.
The chart is correct: deportations to Mexico are way down.
The Plan
Donald Trump’s mass deportation program has hit an unexpected obstacle.
There are not enough Mexicans left to deport.
This created a problem because Trump has spent so much time promising the greatest deportation operation in human history that simple arithmetic has become his enemy. Mexican officials now report that fewer Mexicans were sent back last year than in any of the previous four years. That is awkward when a man has been selling the public a roundup so large it was supposed to frighten the continent.
So, according to highly reliable sources from the Department of Satire, the administration is considering a practical solution:
Ask Mexico to send some over.
Not forever, of course. Temporarily.
Just enough to keep the numbers up.
Under the proposal, selected Mexicans would be offered transportation, a small daily wage, lunch, and the honor of being deported by the most powerful nation on earth. They would report to a processing station, be photographed looking dangerous, driven solemnly across the line, and sent back in time for supper.
The pilot program is said to be called Catch and Release and Catch Again.
One administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity because even he was embarrassed, explained the logic.
“The president promised mass deportation,” he said. “The public expects results. If we can’t find enough people to deport naturally, we may have to import them for the purpose.”
Another official insisted the idea was perfectly consistent with conservative principles.
“This is not foreign aid,” he said. “This is a performance-enhancement initiative.”
Trump, never one to be defeated by statistics, is reportedly enthusiastic. He is said to admire the efficiency of a program in which the same Mexican could, with proper management, be deported several times a week.
“Very high numbers,” he reportedly said. “Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.”
Mexico, however, may be harder to convince. Early reaction from the other side of the border has been cautious. Some residents expressed skepticism that the pay would be worth the trouble. Others wondered whether the United States might eventually outsource the entire process: Mexico sends the workers, America deports them, and both governments declare victory.
It would not be the strangest public-private partnership of our time.
There is a lesson here, and it is one Trump keeps teaching. The man’s greatest achievements often exist first in the theater of his own mouth. He announces a triumph, the crowd cheers, the hats glow red, and only afterward do the numbers arrive like unwanted auditors.
In this case the numbers brought bad news.
The greatest deportation operation in history is apparently deporting so few Mexicans that the next step may be recruiting them.
If the plan succeeds, we may soon see a help-wanted sign on the border:
MEXICANS WANTED.
Good pay.
Transportation provided.
Must agree to be deported.
And if that day comes, the country should at least admire the purity of the thing.
Only Donald Trump could turn immigration policy into a jobs program for deportees.
